Faithful God

I am writing this post because some from my Life Group are expecting it, right Jeff? 

My Life Group is pretty large so we are still sharing our life stories and will probably be doing so the next few years. I look forward to this time in my week where I can share a meal with the people who I love and cannot imagine my life without. After eating great food, we get the chance to hear how God is weaving together these beautiful stories. 

Without fail, every time a story is shared I cry. Not the type of cute cry where a few tears trickle down your face. It's one of those torrential downpours. I am not one of those pretty criers either. I am talking face turning red, eyes swelling, and snot running. I am not crying because of the pain I hear; although my heart does break for the pain that was experienced. I am crying because more times than not I am overwhelmed with love for God. A love that comes from seeing Him rescue, redeem, and care for His children. My life group family has been through some incredibly hard and difficult trials, but I have peace because I see how God was present in each of those circumstances.

Last night, was not an exception. One story, showed how Satan tries to keep us in the dark and isolate us making us think we are alone in the struggle. However, what man intended for evil, God used for good. His glory is on display in her life. She trusted us with her story and her heart. I cannot wait to see how God will continue to use her and the story He is weaving. I pray that the desires of her heart will be fulfilled. The other story rang true with God's faithfulness. How God protected him and no matter how much he tried to escape, God's grip on him remained.

I serve an amazing God whose love overwhelms and sustains. In an earlier post, I talked about not knowing how to love God or how to receive love. I wasn't able to sing the words about loving Him with all my strength, soul, heart, and mind. This past Third Wednesday, I was finally able to say it and mean it. As I have continued to hear these beautiful stories, I have been overwhelmed with my love for God. I drive home in tears, and my heart is overflowing. Oh, how He loves us! And oh, how I love Him.

Third Wednesday

Last night was Third Wednesday, and God is continuing to speak. On the drive over I wanted to still my heart, as I began to prepare I prayed with expectancy. I didn't question whether God would be present or whether He would speak. I knew He would so I prayed that I would have ears to hear and eyes to see. 

I saw. It was a girl's big toe. Strange, I know. I kept trying to see the other toe's, but they weren't there. Like the last time, I didn't have confidence in myself of what I was seeing. It had to be a mistake. I kept pushing it away, and it kept coming back. My heart would race as this image would come to me. I eventually spoke up, but it didn't resonate with anyone. Awkward? Maybe, maybe not.

Did I get discouraged? Not in the least. I didn't doubt that what I saw was wrong or that I made it up. I had peace with it, I knew I just might need more practice in seeing what the Lord might be saying through those images. There is grace. 

Later in the evening, I went to pray over someone who had been spoken over. As I was quietly praying, God put the pieces together and helped me make sense to what He was trying to say through that image. I wasn't off. She might be missing her big toe in real life, but He was saying she is whole. She lacks nothing. She is whole.

There were others who didn't see or hear anything, and I think that is more than okay. It doesn't mean they didn't pray hard enough or they weren't worthy of hearing God's voice. I have been in that spot, those moments allow me to see God working through others and know He is present. Just knowing I am experiencing these moments of the Kingdom breaking in is more than enough. 

Lord, thank you for seeing us, leading us, and guiding us. 

                                                 Psalm 23

Family.

Last night, Ken and I had the privilege of sharing a meal with a beautiful family from church. I am so incredibly thankful for them and their adorable kids. They are two people living what it means to be a man and woman after God's heart, while choosing to serve each other as husband and wife, and in humility learning what it means to be Godly parents.

I truly believe God knows what we need before we know we need it. He knew I needed people who were willing to be vulnerable and real with me; people who weren't afraid of the trials. The grace I am learning is wonderful. This beautiful woman, wife, and mother inspires me more than she will ever know. She has allowed me to be honest and has encouraged me and reminded me that I am not alone.

I love that God has allowed my life to intersect with theirs. In the telling of their life stories, they mentioned this time in their lives that just seemed anointed by God. Whenever they look back to that time and the people surrounding it they are reminded of God's blessings. Little do they know, I believe when I look back to this time in my life their faces will be a part of the image I see.

I am so incredibly blessed and thankful for my family at Rock Harbor Orange. You all have made me want to become a better person who loves well and lives in honest transparency. Thank you for you wonderful lives that model who I want to become. 

Me, oh May, oh My

A new month, and a new perspective. So how was my first day with makeup? I don't know. I wanted to do one more day of no makeup as a choice, not because I had to. It's the little that I could give back to God as a thanks for being so faithful so I will choose to not wear it. 

My friend who joined me on the challenge, Rebecca is continuing no makeup minus mascara. We have some wonderful friends who went to dinner with us last night to celebrate. Rebecca looked good with mascara, but I think she looks good without it. So I guess it's true how much we don't really need makeup.

This morning, May 2nd I woke up and was a little anxious. I had fear of going back to my same dependance and questioning if I could have a relationship with makeup that wasn't so addicting. As I begin to put my primer on, I actually became pretty sad that I feel like I need to add 3 layers to cover my face in order to be flawless. It was like I was taking God's beautiful painting and putting a boring neutral color all over it to cover it up.

I shared with one of my roommates who joined me getting ready. I expressed how confused I was and begin to process what was happening inside of me. She heard a quote by a famous model who only feels pretty once her makeup is on. Aagghh! We missed it didn't we? He made us with beauty in mind, with uniqueness in mind. He didn't make one flaw, but we only ever see that we are not enough. Lord, please remove that lie from our hearts, our minds, and our eyes. We need you. Oh, how we need you.

As I brought the brushes to my face, I had such a battle going on within me. It was like someone else was holding the brush to stop me and another part pushing for me to continue. I don't know what it's like to battle alcohol or drugs, but I fear it might be the same feelings. As I begin to put on my foundation, it wasn't covering up anything. I begin to put more and more on. I begin to hide because I was hating what I was seeing. 

When I was done putting it all on, I wasn't satisfied. I now had all this gunk on my face, and I didn't feel flawless or prettier. Yes, I was less red since I put my boring, one shade foundation on. Since the foundation made me look dull, I had to add blush so I didn't look so gaunt. I just created a mask of what I wished to portray: a girl with a fresh face with just a little pink on the cheeks. Well isn't she so pretty and self-confident? HA!

This past month may have ruined me forever. I am just so glad it is a good ruin. Nothing I put on my outside will make my outside or insides prettier. My outside was made with God's best in mind, and He was more than satisfied when He was done creating me. The end.

THIRTY!

Thirty days down, and one challenge completed! God has been so faithful to bring many different medias to speak truth and encouragement to me on those day when I didn't feel enough. He reminded me again and again how His hands molded me, and I am one of His masterpieces. He met me on my dark days, and He allowed me to experience days where I felt my face radiating. He was with me. He saw me.

I want to take some time to thank all of you! You have supported and encouraged me through these 30 days. You allowed me to speak honestly, share my crazy thoughts, and you loved me anyways. I have received encouragement from you all through: conversations, emails, texts, videos, and hugs. I don't know if I could have completed my 30 days without you all. So, thank you!

I wanted to thank Rebecca, whose story is similar to mine, who fought this challenge at first, but she pushed through and kept me company in this challenge. She reminded me that we are never alone on this journey, and it is so much easier to trudge through the mess with a friend. Rebecca, I know you too had some difficult days, but I thank you for saying "yes". 

I know not all of you have this same struggle with makeup, but I know others have been challenged to look inside and see what they have been hiding behind. I pray that you would continue to seek God and ask Him to continue revealing the hidden parts of your heart. Know that it won't be through your own effort that healing will take place. It is God who transforms us as we let go and allow Him to do the work.

Thank you all for your love and support!

Day Twenty-nine.

Twenty-nine days down and ONE more to go! As this makeup challenge is coming to an end, it has me thinking about what life will look like come May. I still struggle with my face and reflection. I think I will keep my face pretty bare so I can continue the healing process for my skin and my heart. 

I want to make sure that the journey into my heart doesn't end come May 1st. I know I don't need to do challenges like this to bring up those parts of me that are hidden, but I do believe it has been very helpful to facilitate that experience. I think we sometimes need the extreme or else we just continue with complacency. Our hearts become like a dead battery that need a jumpstart. 

My friend, Andrea recently wrote a post on her blog called, "Stuff". There is a book she was inspired by written by Jen Hatmaker with the title, "7". She takes seven months to rid her life of seven areas of excess in her life. She is actually coming to Rock Harbor to speak, here is where you can register for the event, Deeper. I know some ladies from church are toying with the idea of doing this as a group. I was given permission to use this month as the first of seven. Whew!

The journey isn't over yet, it is just beginning! Thank You Lord for not giving up on me. Thank You for Your gentle discipline and loving patience. May my life be a reflection of Your glory alone.

Day twenty-six, twenty-seven, and twenty-eight.

Twenty-eight days down and two more to go. It's almost over, and it feels so weird. I am proud of myself for not giving in to those moments that I just wanted to whip out concealer or just hide under the covers for the day. I found myself hiding behind my hair a lot this weekend. I can't always explain why I have such negative feelings towards my appearance. I will be pulled out of conversation with people and imagine an image of myself, and it's bad. I then begin to cower, and I then feel ashamed for having all those feelings. Thank God for grace.  

I was recently told about a sociologist, Dr. Brene Brown. She has two TED Talks about vulnerability and shame. On Friday, I watched them both, and they were amazing. I will share some points that I loved, but I will also attach the links because these are a must watch. MUST!

-We are wired to be connected.

-Shame is the fear of disconnection - If people knew me, I won't be worthy of connection.

-Those who have a sense of worthiness also have a strong sense of love and belonging. They believe they are worthy of love and belonging. These are characteristics of those who have a sense of worthiness:

     -wholehearted people

     -courage: to tell your story with your whole heart. LOVE!

     -compassion: to be kind to themselves because that is the   

      only way we learn how to be kind to others.

     -connection is a result of vulnerability

     -vulnerability: what made these people vulnerable is what 

      made them beautiful. Vulnerability is not comfortable, but 

      it is necessary.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from the talk:

"You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging."

"If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgement."

"The two most powerful words when we're in struggle are me too."

The Power of Vulnerability

Listening to Shame